I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
