I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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