oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
