How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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