Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
