and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
