Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
