Dude my mom stole all your condoms
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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