# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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