Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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