just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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