sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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