u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
