I just saw a hot homeless man
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
