Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
