Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
