I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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