the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
