Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
