my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
