my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I should be sponsored by Trojan
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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