I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
