I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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