Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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