I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
