You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
