my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
