Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
