I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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