im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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