I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize