So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
