Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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