Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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