Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
