They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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