I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
