So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
