just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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