I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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