dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize