you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
