i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
