I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
