Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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