zippers are such a cool invention
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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