you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
not ubering you a puppy
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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