you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
