My liver just broke up with me...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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