just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They have beer where we have blood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need to align my fucking chakras
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
