I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the condom got lost in my hair
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
