so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
