Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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