My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
