The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
