I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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