I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
