my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
