everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
